slow dance. take it slow. breath. a loss is deep. a loss of some accomplishment. entitlement that drives you to fight to keep something. at one point is it you moving too far? how much can you possibly ask? do you leave it alone.
I am learning. Slowly. I am learning to find it. Slowly.
Don’t be scared. The day goes on.
A sinking feeling that maybe you aren’t supposed to break out of this cycle of dependency. That maybe you are supposed to be stuck in the shackles of mediocrity.
As a man. YOU provide for family. It is your duty. The martyr is that which doens’t follow his dreams, but sacrifices his dreams for the betterment of his family…? But what if the martyr is actually then upset? Resentful? He looks for distractions to help him get through the day. Youtubes. Upworthies.
He pines over the loss money. The money that he was so close to having. It is getting hard to face the Truth. That maybe you are just meant to be this mediocre soul. Someone who stumbles when reading Quran even after years of reading. Someone who loses focus in prayer every waking moment. Someone who is trying so damn hard, but fails. Someone who after running barely a mile loses breath. Knees hurt. Loses balance at just breathing.
There is just no signs of improvement. Just constant mediocrity. MEDIOCRITY ON TOP OF MEDIOCRITY>
GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER. Some will say. But you are you. You see what is possible.
Is this the outcome of lack of patience? Does it get better from here? Does it get worst?